As often happens, I sat down to write this blog post with one thing in mind, only to have the Lord take me in a different direction entirely. Yesterday morning as I was brewing some coffee, Pax was sitting in his highchair with his breakfast cut into neat little pieces for him and suddenly I look over to see him shaking his head and saying to himself "No, no, no, no". I chuckled to myself because I knew exactly what was about to go down. No matter how hard we try (and this really has been a group effort) to teach him to say that he's finished when he doesn't want to eat anymore instead of picking up all of his remaining food and throwing it (last night this was particularly fun - at a restaurant - with yogurt). He was trying so hard to talk himself out of throwing his food but about thirty seconds later I saw that glimmer of helplessness in his eyes as he scooped up all of his food and chunked it across the kitchen while letting out a squeal of excitement. I often have to leave the room to avoid laughing at just how naughty yet equally charming that little boy can be. The older he gets, the more and more I see myself in him. I love his fiery spirit and his inclination to do the opposite of what he's told. While he tests my patience on a more-than-daily basis, I can deeply appreciate all that his character reveals to me about our Creator. Nothing displays the grace, humor, and even mystery of the Lord more than children.
On a separate note, I've been thinking a lot about character traits because of a pretty lengthy self-assessment assignment for one of my courses. I was somewhat disheartened to find out that I am much quicker to identify my weaknesses than my strengths. While humility is certainly desirable, I think I sometimes tend to interchange that concept for "verging on self-loathing". As I open my heart to allow the Lord to replace Satan's lies with His truths, I've discovered something that I'd for whatever reason never considered before: He uses our weaknesses for His glory. It says in 2 Corinthians 12:9&10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
There are times in which I just can't even wrap my mind around how sweet God's love is for His children. This brings me to another truth that I so often need reminding of: He is still jealous for me. And by that token, He is still jealous for you. Say it. Say it aloud. Whenever I need affirmation or refreshment in my faith, I say this to myself. There is nothing more powerful than God's pursuit of His children.
Though there are many other things on my heart right now that I'm excited to share about, they'll have to wait for future blog posts. I'd forgotten about the balance between mothering-spirituality-relationships-studying-etc. that exists when school is in full swing.
To the promise of an abundant season,
- Lauren
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Into the Mystic
Beginning this post, I feel torn between guilt at not having updated in so long (thus spurring a desire to apologize) and a certain stubborn rebel force that wouldn't even hear of apologizing. Anticipating this about myself, knowing full well that 92% of the conflicts in my life are caused by my - as I graciously prefer to put it, ability to stick to my guns - I'll take responsibility for being a flaky blogger and insist that I'll make an effort to update more. There's a long litany of excuses that I could list off but mostly it comes down to a long season (or three of them) in which my inspiration and connection to anything within the creative realm seemed to have flown south for the winter (or west...). It seemed justifiable to skimp on writing for a while as I was diligent in corresponding with Sam via letters on a daily basis. But, on my drive back home after his very long-awaited arrival in Dallas, my mind was already frenzied with all sorts of new story ideas so I've been catching up for the past two months. No matter how hard I try to stay away from it, my writing roots always manage to creep back up on me.
Enough about that. In other news, Paxton is at my favorite stage ever. I say this about all of his stages (always carefully excluding 0-3 months though) but it's because they're all the best. Lately he's taken to imitating many of my behaviors - my personal favorite is when he grabs my phone and talks to himself on it, walking around the house and picking things up as he goes along, occasionally stopping to switch ears or readjust. Pax and I have too much fun together. While he's developing his imagination, I get to put mine back on. One of my favorite games is playing dress-up by cloaking myself in "adult parent" conversation. This is particularly amusing at the park (I also recommend the pediatrician's office or Super Targets everywhere) where there are no shortage of Gap clad parents who are panic stricken with thoughts of up-to-date shot records, developmental milestones, sharp objects, and any male creature standing within 100 yards of the given location's boundaries. Anyway, it's fun to make small talk and, only for a moment, to glimpse into what it must be like to be a parent "on their own terms". Paxton is pretty wild, so I doubt that even if I had this exact same child ten years from now that anything would really be "on my own terms" but sometimes talking to older parents feels like some sort of detective endeavor because their world is completely foreign to me. There's certainly nothing inherently wrong with having concerns for a child's well-being (and as a parent it's our job to protect them as best as possible) but I think a lot of parents today are over read on the subject child-rearing and all that comes with it. People have been having babies successfully since Adam and Eve, most of it seems pretty intuitive anyways. No, Timmy probably isn't going to contract rubella from being in the same room as Suzie two days ago who now has a funny looking mark on her arm. I really shouldn't act as though I don't have my bouts of anxiety...just ask me about the time I thought I had scabies. It was great that the house got such a thorough cleaning, I just wish I would've waited until after seeing the doctor to strip all the sheets that I had only washed the day prior.
As a society, we seem to be pretty fixated on the idea of fear. We eat it up. I'll be the first to admit, I was practically tailgating waiting for updates on the Casey Anthony trial. We watch scary movies. We pursue tragic news stories. We peruse WebMD for a diagnosis on our latest symptoms - I was really banking that those extra few pounds were hypothyroidism. Nope. Just cookies. Always cookies. Anyway, one of the biggest opportunities for fear to work its way into our lives is during the vulnerable years of early parenthood. I speak as though I've experienced late parenthood, obviously not the case, I would just imagine the earlier years to be slightly more impressionable. Fear presents itself in many forms: literal panic or fear, nightmares, phobias, the list goes on. One element of fear that many of us often fail to recognize is worry. It seems so innocent and justified (and practically a natural maternal instinct, no?) but at the core of it, it's still a unwillingness to trust that the Lord will ultimately provide for us and work in our best interest. I struggled a LOT with anxiety while Sam was away. He was injured about two months into training and so while bootcamp should've taken three months, it took six. We kept hearing one thing, only to have it be delayed or changed at a moment's notice (except we wouldn't find out until receiving a letter several days later). In the end, the journey took a turn that none of us expected, with him coming home and returning to civilian life. Though it was a whirlwind of an experience at the very least, having absolutely no control over the situation taught me a lot about waiting on the Lord's timing and accepting His divine plan for my life. The day that we found out he was injured, I had an extremely intense encounter with the Lord only hours before. Despite getting to be a part of one of those most amazing spiritual journey's of someone very dear to me, I had been extremely hesitant to initiate any sort of conversation with the Lord and weeks had gone by since I'd really talked to Him. I was working out when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the force of the Lord just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to leave the gym because I was so overcome by emotion - I got some interesting looks on the way out. The Lord kept asking me "Lauren, do you trust me? Do you trust me?" When God starts a conversation and He's got the whole world in his hands, it doesn't seem too wise to shrug it off so finally I started talking. I've never really felt interrupted by the Lord before (refreshing though) but he kept repeating "Lauren, haven't I ALWAYS provided for and taken care of you? Don't you know that I love you and will protect your family?" Five hours later I received a call from Sam's Mom saying that he had been injured and was being dropped to a medical platoon for an unspecified amount of time.
Now, I realize that was a lengthy anecdote, but it was a really defining moment in my ability to truly grasp that the Lord really does work in our best interest. I was crushed when I found out that it would be even longer before I was able to reunite with Sam (and there are certainly aspects of the past few months that I could've handled more graciously) but ultimately I have such a strong sense of faith and peace that the Lord worked with intention in allowing Sam to get pack palsy. Let me relate this all back to kids and germs and whatnot. Does He not love our children EVEN more than we do? Does He not delight in the sweetness of their actions and the innocence in their laugh? You bet He does. It's a daily struggle for me to say "Lord, have my worry today" and there are many days where I wrap the cord of my anxiety too tightly around myself to hand over to God but when I do allow him the ability to ease my burden, I'm never worse off for it. The Lord is so good to his people. Lately I've started being more intentional in the things that I pray for throughout the day: "Lord grant me the ability to just be in this moment with my sweet son." "Lord please give me the patience..." I've noticed that He always delivers the little things that I need to get through the day.
The more that I contemplate being intentional in my prayers with the Lord, the more I consider how that will impact my little sponge of a toddler. He's so curious about everything that I do that now seems like the time to begin setting the framework for a spiritually abundant life. All I know is that right now I have nothing but things to look forward to. I feel so revived for this upcoming season in life and cannot wait to spread that passion around. I love that my school is preparing me to defend social justice and is engaging me in a way that has me so excited to attend 8:30 classes. I love that Paxton greets me in the morning with "ticka ticka ticka" (He thinks that delivering tickles to those without is one of the most helpful things that he can do). I love that Madison and I made our annual watermelon sugar cookies (a longstanding summer tradition in the Kerner household). I love that I'm reading a book for enjoyment for the first time in far too long. I love that everyone has settled into new routines (and houses) and finally, I love that this summer weather will soon be cooling down a bit.
Alright, I think after an hour and a half of writing I have sufficiently made up for my absence. I like to include a word of scripture or something at the end of my posts as a sort of summary. Okay, that's pretty presumptuous to state that the bible is a summary of MY thoughts but it's late and it amuses me so I'm going to leave it. This passage is particularly meaningful to me because in one of my most anxious states, I flipped my bible open to this:
Matthew 6
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Spreading peace and refreshment,
- Lauren
Enough about that. In other news, Paxton is at my favorite stage ever. I say this about all of his stages (always carefully excluding 0-3 months though) but it's because they're all the best. Lately he's taken to imitating many of my behaviors - my personal favorite is when he grabs my phone and talks to himself on it, walking around the house and picking things up as he goes along, occasionally stopping to switch ears or readjust. Pax and I have too much fun together. While he's developing his imagination, I get to put mine back on. One of my favorite games is playing dress-up by cloaking myself in "adult parent" conversation. This is particularly amusing at the park (I also recommend the pediatrician's office or Super Targets everywhere) where there are no shortage of Gap clad parents who are panic stricken with thoughts of up-to-date shot records, developmental milestones, sharp objects, and any male creature standing within 100 yards of the given location's boundaries. Anyway, it's fun to make small talk and, only for a moment, to glimpse into what it must be like to be a parent "on their own terms". Paxton is pretty wild, so I doubt that even if I had this exact same child ten years from now that anything would really be "on my own terms" but sometimes talking to older parents feels like some sort of detective endeavor because their world is completely foreign to me. There's certainly nothing inherently wrong with having concerns for a child's well-being (and as a parent it's our job to protect them as best as possible) but I think a lot of parents today are over read on the subject child-rearing and all that comes with it. People have been having babies successfully since Adam and Eve, most of it seems pretty intuitive anyways. No, Timmy probably isn't going to contract rubella from being in the same room as Suzie two days ago who now has a funny looking mark on her arm. I really shouldn't act as though I don't have my bouts of anxiety...just ask me about the time I thought I had scabies. It was great that the house got such a thorough cleaning, I just wish I would've waited until after seeing the doctor to strip all the sheets that I had only washed the day prior.
As a society, we seem to be pretty fixated on the idea of fear. We eat it up. I'll be the first to admit, I was practically tailgating waiting for updates on the Casey Anthony trial. We watch scary movies. We pursue tragic news stories. We peruse WebMD for a diagnosis on our latest symptoms - I was really banking that those extra few pounds were hypothyroidism. Nope. Just cookies. Always cookies. Anyway, one of the biggest opportunities for fear to work its way into our lives is during the vulnerable years of early parenthood. I speak as though I've experienced late parenthood, obviously not the case, I would just imagine the earlier years to be slightly more impressionable. Fear presents itself in many forms: literal panic or fear, nightmares, phobias, the list goes on. One element of fear that many of us often fail to recognize is worry. It seems so innocent and justified (and practically a natural maternal instinct, no?) but at the core of it, it's still a unwillingness to trust that the Lord will ultimately provide for us and work in our best interest. I struggled a LOT with anxiety while Sam was away. He was injured about two months into training and so while bootcamp should've taken three months, it took six. We kept hearing one thing, only to have it be delayed or changed at a moment's notice (except we wouldn't find out until receiving a letter several days later). In the end, the journey took a turn that none of us expected, with him coming home and returning to civilian life. Though it was a whirlwind of an experience at the very least, having absolutely no control over the situation taught me a lot about waiting on the Lord's timing and accepting His divine plan for my life. The day that we found out he was injured, I had an extremely intense encounter with the Lord only hours before. Despite getting to be a part of one of those most amazing spiritual journey's of someone very dear to me, I had been extremely hesitant to initiate any sort of conversation with the Lord and weeks had gone by since I'd really talked to Him. I was working out when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the force of the Lord just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to leave the gym because I was so overcome by emotion - I got some interesting looks on the way out. The Lord kept asking me "Lauren, do you trust me? Do you trust me?" When God starts a conversation and He's got the whole world in his hands, it doesn't seem too wise to shrug it off so finally I started talking. I've never really felt interrupted by the Lord before (refreshing though) but he kept repeating "Lauren, haven't I ALWAYS provided for and taken care of you? Don't you know that I love you and will protect your family?" Five hours later I received a call from Sam's Mom saying that he had been injured and was being dropped to a medical platoon for an unspecified amount of time.
Now, I realize that was a lengthy anecdote, but it was a really defining moment in my ability to truly grasp that the Lord really does work in our best interest. I was crushed when I found out that it would be even longer before I was able to reunite with Sam (and there are certainly aspects of the past few months that I could've handled more graciously) but ultimately I have such a strong sense of faith and peace that the Lord worked with intention in allowing Sam to get pack palsy. Let me relate this all back to kids and germs and whatnot. Does He not love our children EVEN more than we do? Does He not delight in the sweetness of their actions and the innocence in their laugh? You bet He does. It's a daily struggle for me to say "Lord, have my worry today" and there are many days where I wrap the cord of my anxiety too tightly around myself to hand over to God but when I do allow him the ability to ease my burden, I'm never worse off for it. The Lord is so good to his people. Lately I've started being more intentional in the things that I pray for throughout the day: "Lord grant me the ability to just be in this moment with my sweet son." "Lord please give me the patience..." I've noticed that He always delivers the little things that I need to get through the day.
The more that I contemplate being intentional in my prayers with the Lord, the more I consider how that will impact my little sponge of a toddler. He's so curious about everything that I do that now seems like the time to begin setting the framework for a spiritually abundant life. All I know is that right now I have nothing but things to look forward to. I feel so revived for this upcoming season in life and cannot wait to spread that passion around. I love that my school is preparing me to defend social justice and is engaging me in a way that has me so excited to attend 8:30 classes. I love that Paxton greets me in the morning with "ticka ticka ticka" (He thinks that delivering tickles to those without is one of the most helpful things that he can do). I love that Madison and I made our annual watermelon sugar cookies (a longstanding summer tradition in the Kerner household). I love that I'm reading a book for enjoyment for the first time in far too long. I love that everyone has settled into new routines (and houses) and finally, I love that this summer weather will soon be cooling down a bit.
Alright, I think after an hour and a half of writing I have sufficiently made up for my absence. I like to include a word of scripture or something at the end of my posts as a sort of summary. Okay, that's pretty presumptuous to state that the bible is a summary of MY thoughts but it's late and it amuses me so I'm going to leave it. This passage is particularly meaningful to me because in one of my most anxious states, I flipped my bible open to this:
Matthew 6
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Spreading peace and refreshment,
- Lauren
Thursday, January 13, 2011
He's Got the Whole World in His Hands
I realize it’s been far too long since I last posted a blog entry – somehow the last month and a half or so have escaped me entirely. The last couple of months have been non-stop in our house. Between a one-year-old birthday, pneumonia, RSV, exams, the holidays, new teeth, a quickly approaching Spring semester, and Sam heading off to the Marines in less than two weeks, I hardly know what to do with myself. Resistance to change seems natural enough to humanity – or perhaps creation in general, and I’m certainly no exception within this. There’s something undeniably significant about Sam’s departure – not only as it pertains to us; our history, the simplicity and all the goodness that has come to fruition in the past year – but rather what this means in the life of Paxton as his awareness of the world around him becomes more and more evident.
(My little prince on his big day)
Perhaps in part because of any of the aforementioned factors, lately I’ve felt as though I’m watching life dance mystically just out of reach. The phases of life are so difficult to identify sometimes but I've much benefitted from a little alone time to organize my aspirations. Yet, as I grieve (while also very eagerly anticipate) this next chapter in my life, I am coming closer and closer to truly discovering what it is to solely depend on the Lord’s provision for my family. Several prophetic people in my life have spoken a season of harvest over this next season so I've been attempting to configure how to most effectively incorporate that positive energy into my routine. A prophesy ought never go ignored. Winter always shakes something eerie and resplendent my way so sometimes it feels a tad more difficult to prioritize.
My bones have felt a tad restless of late, through listening loudly for the Silence of the Holy Spirit, I've received a strong response concerning the release of my creative spirit. Children are the best excuse to bringing to fruition the root meaning of what it is to create. Paxton is a constant inspiration to me. His newness and instinctual responses ignite a desire in me to strip everything down to the basics. That which I often consider necessary in the realm of technology and such is so frivolous to the perceptions of a child. He makes me so itchy for nature...I love it! That being said, I suppose I ought to limit Paxton's early exposure to all that is "natural" since he has been mistaken for a girl three times this past week. Sigh. I suppose it really is time for that first haircut after all. It's so strange to think that his hair has remained untouched since the day of his birth - sometimes it seems all I have left of that precious 4 1/2 lb. premie. I digress, and the constant stream of letting go, the ever-prevalent theme of parenting floats on.
Anyways, this post is inevitably a bit jumbled because I'm a bit jumbled but I don't think it's beneficial to any parties to constantly pretend to exist in a state of utmost clarity. There is much to look forward to in this next series of life. I never cease to feel baffled by how extremely fast days seem to move. I remember always wanting to be older as a child. Adulthood seemed so enticing until I paid bills for the first time! A few months ago, Sam and I took Pax to the Science Museum because we had such fond memories from childhood. It was a colossal disappointment at best...perhaps from the aftereffects of years of mandatory education or because we aren't so ignorant as to the basic functions of nature anymore. Either way, I'm trying for Paxton's sake to become more like a child so that I might understand the way that he is experiencing things for the very first time.
Adulthood and our acquirement of knowledge reminds me a lot of Adam and Eve. As I learn more and more about the way the world is, I desperately long for the days in which I truly believed in the innate goodness of humanity. At least my lessons in reality have been gradual, Adam and Eve experienced it all at once at the Tree of Knowledge (and it should be noted that they came to know a whole lot more than we as humans ever will...I can't imagine what it is to be able to comprehend eternity). They teach us that perhapsnaivety faith is what we ought to rely on. Children depend on their parents entirely to fulfill their needs. In most cases, they are incapable of considering what the alternative would be if they weren't fed, housed, or clothed. What if we stopped worrying about all the potential negative outcomes that would be if the Lord didn't provide for us? We have so little control over the tides in our lives that perhaps relying on the deliverance and goodness of God's authority wouldn't be so bad after all...Personally, when I have been faithful through prayer (and even when I haven't) the Lord has had a way of configuring the situations in my life to exactly what they need to be. So, I'm thinking whatever He has in store for us is probably a whole richer than whatever we can come up with on our own. He did kind of design this whole world, after all.
To Belief in a Better Tomorrow,
Lauren
Perhaps in part because of any of the aforementioned factors, lately I’ve felt as though I’m watching life dance mystically just out of reach. The phases of life are so difficult to identify sometimes but I've much benefitted from a little alone time to organize my aspirations. Yet, as I grieve (while also very eagerly anticipate) this next chapter in my life, I am coming closer and closer to truly discovering what it is to solely depend on the Lord’s provision for my family. Several prophetic people in my life have spoken a season of harvest over this next season so I've been attempting to configure how to most effectively incorporate that positive energy into my routine. A prophesy ought never go ignored. Winter always shakes something eerie and resplendent my way so sometimes it feels a tad more difficult to prioritize.
My bones have felt a tad restless of late, through listening loudly for the Silence of the Holy Spirit, I've received a strong response concerning the release of my creative spirit. Children are the best excuse to bringing to fruition the root meaning of what it is to create. Paxton is a constant inspiration to me. His newness and instinctual responses ignite a desire in me to strip everything down to the basics. That which I often consider necessary in the realm of technology and such is so frivolous to the perceptions of a child. He makes me so itchy for nature...I love it! That being said, I suppose I ought to limit Paxton's early exposure to all that is "natural" since he has been mistaken for a girl three times this past week. Sigh. I suppose it really is time for that first haircut after all. It's so strange to think that his hair has remained untouched since the day of his birth - sometimes it seems all I have left of that precious 4 1/2 lb. premie. I digress, and the constant stream of letting go, the ever-prevalent theme of parenting floats on.
Anyways, this post is inevitably a bit jumbled because I'm a bit jumbled but I don't think it's beneficial to any parties to constantly pretend to exist in a state of utmost clarity. There is much to look forward to in this next series of life. I never cease to feel baffled by how extremely fast days seem to move. I remember always wanting to be older as a child. Adulthood seemed so enticing until I paid bills for the first time! A few months ago, Sam and I took Pax to the Science Museum because we had such fond memories from childhood. It was a colossal disappointment at best...perhaps from the aftereffects of years of mandatory education or because we aren't so ignorant as to the basic functions of nature anymore. Either way, I'm trying for Paxton's sake to become more like a child so that I might understand the way that he is experiencing things for the very first time.
Adulthood and our acquirement of knowledge reminds me a lot of Adam and Eve. As I learn more and more about the way the world is, I desperately long for the days in which I truly believed in the innate goodness of humanity. At least my lessons in reality have been gradual, Adam and Eve experienced it all at once at the Tree of Knowledge (and it should be noted that they came to know a whole lot more than we as humans ever will...I can't imagine what it is to be able to comprehend eternity). They teach us that perhaps
To Belief in a Better Tomorrow,
Lauren
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wholly Yours, Holy One
(Yet AGAIN, I'm posting this several hours after I wrote this)
After two hours of arguing over the matter, Paxton is finally down for a nap! Yes, it’s too late for a nap and he probably won’t want to go to sleep on time tonight but I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Sometimes the little victories need to be celebrated in life. Also an accomplishment, I’m finally starting to feel really cozy here. This has various meanings, but right now it means burning a candle that smells like Christmas (yes, it’s premature) since there is simply no feasible way that we are going to have a tree this year while eating some delicious tomato basil soup. I’ve also been stocked up on eggnog for about two weeks now. The holidays never had too much significance in the past, but these days the concept of them has taken on a whole new meaning. It took a while before I was really able to fully feel like a family with Paxton, it was as if he was some sort of extension of what I consider to be my immediate family (Mom, Dad, and Madison). And while he certainly is that, he is also my “new” family. That might not make a whole lot of sense when put into words, but basically, for a good while I felt sort of awkward about being young and single, like I was somehow excluded from the “Mom’s club” or that he wasn’t entirely mine. I’ve encountered moms that are condescending because of my life stage, but I just remind myself that no one really knows what they’re doing when it comes to parenting. It’s something we figure out along the way. I am no less significant in Paxton’s life and no less of a parent because of my age.
Anyways, I think in general Moms are way too hard on themselves. I was reading an op-ed piece by feminist Erica Jong (find it here) she touches on the new fad of attachment parenting and what it means to be a mother in today’s world. She definitely makes some valid points as to how destructive it is to constantly rescue a child from making their own mistakes. Of course babies want to be held all the time, but when we give into their every desire, we’re not best preparing them for a world that is no stranger to rejection and hurt. I know that if Paxton does have a similar temperament as his mother, hovering is probably the most volatile thing that I could do. We can’t prevent their every misstep, and it really isn’t our responsibility to do so. Don’t misunderstand me, I’ll still be Mamma Bear, but I also know that it is a great disservice to Pax if I don’t encourage self-sufficiency and acceptance of responsibility when necessary. Jong raises important questions about the pressures that we as mothers feel but I don’t agree with her every opinion – she somewhat condemns cloth-diapering, baby wearing (it’s an odd term – the concept of having baby strapped to Mom/Dad as a way to increase bonding) and homemade baby food, all of which we do or did.
For us, the Green Movement is an important commitment that we’ve made, one that I really wish that more Christians would take initiative in. It isn’t always the most convenient solution but we were only given one Earth, and it isn’t someone else’s duty to take care of it. Everyone generates waste, and as technology brings us closer and closer to being able to reduce the negative impacts that we have on nature, I don’t think it’s ethical to try and pass that torch along to someone else. Moms are among the most wasteful of them all. Disposable diapers take up to 500 years to decompose in a landfill. In a baby’s first year alone they will go through an average of 2,788 diaper changes. So, as a response to Jong, I don’t feel that my involvement in the Green Movement is somehow disabling me as a woman nor trapping and oppressing me as a Mother. Ideals on parenting will always be at the forefront of society because humans are constantly breeding. Paxton and I are content doing things one way but I’m okay with the fact that our way wouldn’t work for a lot of others. Motherhood can be a time of great insecurity or an opportunity for uninhibited empowerment. As most things in life, it’s what you decide to make of it.
Woo, that was a much longer rant than I had intended on! Sometimes I just get too excited about certain subjects. Speaking of, one topic that I’m particularly fired up about right now is Sozo. Let me explain. It all started with Bethel church’s Sozo ministry. After hearing such great stories of restoration, my church decided to adopt it as well. “Sozo” in Greek means “to save, to heal, to deliver.” Basically, it’s an inner-healing ministry which seeks to identify anything that might be impeding one’s ability to connect with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This takes the form of a two-on-one session that pairs two intercessors with one person who is seeking restoration. The session is essentially a conversation with the Holy Spirit in which the person in question talks openly with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. It is typically led by questions from the intercessors, which help to pinpoint any broken aspects of these relationships. The Father is compared to our image or concept of our earthly father, Jesus to a sibling, and the Holy Spirit our Mother. It isn’t all solely based on these perceptions, but because there are often broken aspects of these relationships, they are important to consider. There were areas of conflict in my life that I wasn’t even aware existed and repair was quickly delivered. My experience was based heavily on images of holiday cheer that kept flashing through my mind. The Lord began to reveal to me that the sort of joy that is experienced during the Christmas season is obtainable all throughout the year, and what’s more is, I heard Him whispering to me that He desperately desires that constant joy and wholeness for me. The time spent allowed me to drive out many of the lies the enemy tells me that so often cloud my vision.
To continue sentiment of exuberance, a few days before my Sozo session, in the midst of a rather weary period, I finally decided that in an effort to eschew the negativity that was surrounding me, I would take the simple step of opening my curtains and let the light in. Upon doing so, I was flooded with this indescribable elation. I felt a maniacal sense of happiness and relief. It was as though I had taken a two-week vacation and was returning with a renewed sense of hope and optimism.
He is the Cleanser of spirits and Deliverer of Truth. He has spoken sweet words of encouragement and been faithful in the acknowledgment of my prayers. Holy Spirit, I am grateful for your presence. Thank you for pronouncing purpose over our lives.
To eternal Thanksgiving,
Lauren
After two hours of arguing over the matter, Paxton is finally down for a nap! Yes, it’s too late for a nap and he probably won’t want to go to sleep on time tonight but I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Sometimes the little victories need to be celebrated in life. Also an accomplishment, I’m finally starting to feel really cozy here. This has various meanings, but right now it means burning a candle that smells like Christmas (yes, it’s premature) since there is simply no feasible way that we are going to have a tree this year while eating some delicious tomato basil soup. I’ve also been stocked up on eggnog for about two weeks now. The holidays never had too much significance in the past, but these days the concept of them has taken on a whole new meaning. It took a while before I was really able to fully feel like a family with Paxton, it was as if he was some sort of extension of what I consider to be my immediate family (Mom, Dad, and Madison). And while he certainly is that, he is also my “new” family. That might not make a whole lot of sense when put into words, but basically, for a good while I felt sort of awkward about being young and single, like I was somehow excluded from the “Mom’s club” or that he wasn’t entirely mine. I’ve encountered moms that are condescending because of my life stage, but I just remind myself that no one really knows what they’re doing when it comes to parenting. It’s something we figure out along the way. I am no less significant in Paxton’s life and no less of a parent because of my age.
Anyways, I think in general Moms are way too hard on themselves. I was reading an op-ed piece by feminist Erica Jong (find it here) she touches on the new fad of attachment parenting and what it means to be a mother in today’s world. She definitely makes some valid points as to how destructive it is to constantly rescue a child from making their own mistakes. Of course babies want to be held all the time, but when we give into their every desire, we’re not best preparing them for a world that is no stranger to rejection and hurt. I know that if Paxton does have a similar temperament as his mother, hovering is probably the most volatile thing that I could do. We can’t prevent their every misstep, and it really isn’t our responsibility to do so. Don’t misunderstand me, I’ll still be Mamma Bear, but I also know that it is a great disservice to Pax if I don’t encourage self-sufficiency and acceptance of responsibility when necessary. Jong raises important questions about the pressures that we as mothers feel but I don’t agree with her every opinion – she somewhat condemns cloth-diapering, baby wearing (it’s an odd term – the concept of having baby strapped to Mom/Dad as a way to increase bonding) and homemade baby food, all of which we do or did.
For us, the Green Movement is an important commitment that we’ve made, one that I really wish that more Christians would take initiative in. It isn’t always the most convenient solution but we were only given one Earth, and it isn’t someone else’s duty to take care of it. Everyone generates waste, and as technology brings us closer and closer to being able to reduce the negative impacts that we have on nature, I don’t think it’s ethical to try and pass that torch along to someone else. Moms are among the most wasteful of them all. Disposable diapers take up to 500 years to decompose in a landfill. In a baby’s first year alone they will go through an average of 2,788 diaper changes. So, as a response to Jong, I don’t feel that my involvement in the Green Movement is somehow disabling me as a woman nor trapping and oppressing me as a Mother. Ideals on parenting will always be at the forefront of society because humans are constantly breeding. Paxton and I are content doing things one way but I’m okay with the fact that our way wouldn’t work for a lot of others. Motherhood can be a time of great insecurity or an opportunity for uninhibited empowerment. As most things in life, it’s what you decide to make of it.
Woo, that was a much longer rant than I had intended on! Sometimes I just get too excited about certain subjects. Speaking of, one topic that I’m particularly fired up about right now is Sozo. Let me explain. It all started with Bethel church’s Sozo ministry. After hearing such great stories of restoration, my church decided to adopt it as well. “Sozo” in Greek means “to save, to heal, to deliver.” Basically, it’s an inner-healing ministry which seeks to identify anything that might be impeding one’s ability to connect with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This takes the form of a two-on-one session that pairs two intercessors with one person who is seeking restoration. The session is essentially a conversation with the Holy Spirit in which the person in question talks openly with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. It is typically led by questions from the intercessors, which help to pinpoint any broken aspects of these relationships. The Father is compared to our image or concept of our earthly father, Jesus to a sibling, and the Holy Spirit our Mother. It isn’t all solely based on these perceptions, but because there are often broken aspects of these relationships, they are important to consider. There were areas of conflict in my life that I wasn’t even aware existed and repair was quickly delivered. My experience was based heavily on images of holiday cheer that kept flashing through my mind. The Lord began to reveal to me that the sort of joy that is experienced during the Christmas season is obtainable all throughout the year, and what’s more is, I heard Him whispering to me that He desperately desires that constant joy and wholeness for me. The time spent allowed me to drive out many of the lies the enemy tells me that so often cloud my vision.
To continue sentiment of exuberance, a few days before my Sozo session, in the midst of a rather weary period, I finally decided that in an effort to eschew the negativity that was surrounding me, I would take the simple step of opening my curtains and let the light in. Upon doing so, I was flooded with this indescribable elation. I felt a maniacal sense of happiness and relief. It was as though I had taken a two-week vacation and was returning with a renewed sense of hope and optimism.
He is the Cleanser of spirits and Deliverer of Truth. He has spoken sweet words of encouragement and been faithful in the acknowledgment of my prayers. Holy Spirit, I am grateful for your presence. Thank you for pronouncing purpose over our lives.
To eternal Thanksgiving,
Lauren
(Again, this is one that I started on Friday and hadn’t gotten around to posting until now)
Sitting here on the couch in my living room, 7:00 feels like midnight. Pax and I are going to a party later, so I’ve put him to bed early so that he won’t miss an opportunity to entertain in a couple of hours. He is much better at parties than I am…what a strange realization to have about an eleven month old. Babies may be the most unpredictable of all humanity, but there are a few things that I know to be true about P, like that he prefers his deli meats for lunch, not dinner, or that telling him “no” is the equivalent of begging him to do something. He’s one strong-willed little dude and I have no doubt that he’s going to be one of those kids that never says no to a challenge. I recognize many of his character traits as ones that I too possess so I know that this journey is going to (at the very least) be an interesting one.
When I was younger, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to my big sister. I was absolutely convinced that my parents loved her more because she was more inclined to follow the rules. Even though Paxton and I are beginning to face some challenges in the way of obedience (to the extent that he can comprehend at less than a year), there isn’t a thing that I would change about him. And I feel like I can make this statement with certainty, having had another baby as a roommate for a few months. I also finally understand that my parents were never trying to mold me into something else either, they simply didn’t know WHAT to do with me from time to time. And so my prayer for Paxton to have a teachable spirit begins…
Anyways, it took a lot of straightening out in my head before I realized that God wasn’t trying to make me into someone else either. I only recently discovered that not only does the Lord cherish my bold (for lack of a better term) spirit but He also has a much better idea of what to do with it than I do. If you’ve been exposed to the stereotypical Christian youth group as many times as I have, you as well might be under the impression that God only has a heart for a certain mold of person. I pray for the expulsion of this lie.
Ephesians 2:10:
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Because I wrote this a few days ago, I feel as though I can't quite "end" it with much resolution since the moment has come and gone, but I can sign off with assurance that I will post again soon, as my weekend (and the week thus far) was full of little revelations and such.
To restoration and a really good cup of tea,
Lauren
Sitting here on the couch in my living room, 7:00 feels like midnight. Pax and I are going to a party later, so I’ve put him to bed early so that he won’t miss an opportunity to entertain in a couple of hours. He is much better at parties than I am…what a strange realization to have about an eleven month old. Babies may be the most unpredictable of all humanity, but there are a few things that I know to be true about P, like that he prefers his deli meats for lunch, not dinner, or that telling him “no” is the equivalent of begging him to do something. He’s one strong-willed little dude and I have no doubt that he’s going to be one of those kids that never says no to a challenge. I recognize many of his character traits as ones that I too possess so I know that this journey is going to (at the very least) be an interesting one.
When I was younger, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to my big sister. I was absolutely convinced that my parents loved her more because she was more inclined to follow the rules. Even though Paxton and I are beginning to face some challenges in the way of obedience (to the extent that he can comprehend at less than a year), there isn’t a thing that I would change about him. And I feel like I can make this statement with certainty, having had another baby as a roommate for a few months. I also finally understand that my parents were never trying to mold me into something else either, they simply didn’t know WHAT to do with me from time to time. And so my prayer for Paxton to have a teachable spirit begins…
Anyways, it took a lot of straightening out in my head before I realized that God wasn’t trying to make me into someone else either. I only recently discovered that not only does the Lord cherish my bold (for lack of a better term) spirit but He also has a much better idea of what to do with it than I do. If you’ve been exposed to the stereotypical Christian youth group as many times as I have, you as well might be under the impression that God only has a heart for a certain mold of person. I pray for the expulsion of this lie.
Ephesians 2:10:
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Because I wrote this a few days ago, I feel as though I can't quite "end" it with much resolution since the moment has come and gone, but I can sign off with assurance that I will post again soon, as my weekend (and the week thus far) was full of little revelations and such.
To restoration and a really good cup of tea,
Lauren
Monday, November 8, 2010
I Am My Beloved's and He is Mine
First of all, I'd just like to thank those of you who read my blog and have left feedback through way of comment or e-mail. Again I'll mention what a crazy last couple of weeks it has been and your encouragement has really provided me with renewal and hope. Moving on...
I've learned more from watching my son grow than from anything I've soaked up in school or anywhere else. As he reaches that final stretch in his attempts to walk, he isn't able to do so not because he is incapable, but rather because he is afraid - somewhat ironic for the one who so thoroughly enjoys reeking havoc otherwise. The Lord has offered me a very visible comparison in my life, as what stands between me and Him is not a mountain and a valley like it used to be but instead a tiny creek whose waters I'm trying to command the flow of. I know how much would change for Paxton if he just took that first step, and I wonder what would happen in my life if I finally just gave it all up. I've been fighting and resisting a lot over this past week and I thought it was just an expression of how homesick I am, but after about two hours of tears on Friday, I heard my Savior saying "Come home," and I knew he didn't mean to Dallas.
Then at church last night, after a few consecutive weeks of bad news, I felt the Lord delivering such sweet promises of joy and restoration. We had share time, and there were a slew of positive prophetic words that mostly revolved around Him welcoming us to partake in the message of how He pursues us so relentlessly. A very tangible atmosphere of hope was present as He beckoned to us near to remind that He is the Anointer and He takes delight in His children. I think that we do the dance a lot where we pretend to grasp that He loves us and cherishes us and so on but do we really TRULY understand that he desperately wants us? In the secret places of my heart, I know that there are unruly places that I have deemed so unlovable and undesirable that I conceal them from others with all that I have. There are things that I have done that seem impossible to compensate for. But He loves the most grotesque corners of our beings. And the great thing is, he doesn't ask us to be anything that we aren't. He wants us even in our most vulnerable and broken states...He wants especially then.
So finally, I pray that this season brings dancing and laughter and joy. As I was reminded last night by one particularly wise fellow, He doesn't ask us to take ourselves nearly as seriously as society says that we ought. God did create humor, after all. So when you find yourself in a spot where you're critiquing every aspect of every minute detail, ask yourself if this drive towards perfectionism is really what was intended of you. I know that this has been a struggle of mine that I often fail to recognize because we've all been programmed to strive for success so much so that we don't realize the corrosiveness that coincides with humans attempting to be in control of our own behavior. So let it go and lighten up, I promise you won't be sorry.
In Him there is rest,
Lauren
I've learned more from watching my son grow than from anything I've soaked up in school or anywhere else. As he reaches that final stretch in his attempts to walk, he isn't able to do so not because he is incapable, but rather because he is afraid - somewhat ironic for the one who so thoroughly enjoys reeking havoc otherwise. The Lord has offered me a very visible comparison in my life, as what stands between me and Him is not a mountain and a valley like it used to be but instead a tiny creek whose waters I'm trying to command the flow of. I know how much would change for Paxton if he just took that first step, and I wonder what would happen in my life if I finally just gave it all up. I've been fighting and resisting a lot over this past week and I thought it was just an expression of how homesick I am, but after about two hours of tears on Friday, I heard my Savior saying "Come home," and I knew he didn't mean to Dallas.
Then at church last night, after a few consecutive weeks of bad news, I felt the Lord delivering such sweet promises of joy and restoration. We had share time, and there were a slew of positive prophetic words that mostly revolved around Him welcoming us to partake in the message of how He pursues us so relentlessly. A very tangible atmosphere of hope was present as He beckoned to us near to remind that He is the Anointer and He takes delight in His children. I think that we do the dance a lot where we pretend to grasp that He loves us and cherishes us and so on but do we really TRULY understand that he desperately wants us? In the secret places of my heart, I know that there are unruly places that I have deemed so unlovable and undesirable that I conceal them from others with all that I have. There are things that I have done that seem impossible to compensate for. But He loves the most grotesque corners of our beings. And the great thing is, he doesn't ask us to be anything that we aren't. He wants us even in our most vulnerable and broken states...He wants especially then.
So finally, I pray that this season brings dancing and laughter and joy. As I was reminded last night by one particularly wise fellow, He doesn't ask us to take ourselves nearly as seriously as society says that we ought. God did create humor, after all. So when you find yourself in a spot where you're critiquing every aspect of every minute detail, ask yourself if this drive towards perfectionism is really what was intended of you. I know that this has been a struggle of mine that I often fail to recognize because we've all been programmed to strive for success so much so that we don't realize the corrosiveness that coincides with humans attempting to be in control of our own behavior. So let it go and lighten up, I promise you won't be sorry.
In Him there is rest,
Lauren
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Clarification, etc.
Dear cheesy radio station that I still listen to for reason unbeknownst to even myself, optimism is inarguably a good thing but I’ve had it with your Christian fluff. Humans are capable of experiencing a wide array of emotions and I’m pretty sure that there’s reason for this. To pretend that everything is okay in the midst of crisis and chaos is to deny oneself the ability to become vulnerable enough to let Christ intervene. Furthermore, it paints an extremely false picture of faith. If everything were easy all the time, faith would be practically meaningless. There is no need to advertise Christianity as a means to end all pain.
This world is one strange place and ultimately we’re all just trying to figure out what it's all about. I don’t think that it’s our job to run around shoving our revelations and beliefs down other people’s throats. Take Solomon for instance, God bestowed upon him infinite wisdom not so that he could correct everyone else's foolishness. Even the best of intentions can be construed as condescension. The inextricable stigma attached to Christianity deems us judgmental and close-minded. That may not be true for all of us but we didn’t get that reputation from nowhere. We’ve got to stop making assumptions about where other people are in life and start LISTENING. The most effective evangelism doesn’t come from shoving beliefs down someone’s throat, but rather from patiently and carefully constructing a relationship with someone. What’s more is, I’ve noticed that a lot of conversion attempts are more an effort for said Christian to feel better about themselves than for the other person to actually come to form a meaningful relationship with Christ. Just like marriage doesn’t stop at “I do”, our job isn’t finished once someone welcomes Christ into their lives. Discipleship and availability are vital parts of pouring into someone.
Listening to this particular radio station a couple of days ago, there was a segment in which listeners were encouraged to call into to tell the DJ about something “selfless” that they’d done for another person that day. I cannot even reasonably express how disgusted I was by this. We’ve got to start realizing that we aren’t God. We are merely a means through which Truth can be spoken.
The idea of serving as a vessel for Christ leads me to another point that I think it’s important to touch on. We often place a supernatural importance on the church. But in reality, the church is not a building. In fact, the word “church” is derived from the Greek “Ekklesia” which translates to “Called-Out Ones”. (In Classical Greek this actually holds a political meaning but nonetheless, that makes it “an assembly of citizens summoned by the crier”) We are the church. But until we can die to self enough to grasp that change within ourselves as a body is not only desirable but absolutely essential, we will serve as an interference between the Divine and humanity.
Romans 12:3-5 reads:
3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others
God loves the murderer, the pedophile, the woman who had six abortions, the homosexuals, the prostitutes, the alcoholics, and whoever else has been caste out by society just as much as he loves you. And let us not forget that God is everywhere and everything. We've got to start expanding our comprehension of what "God" is and where He lives. He is everywhere, sometimes it just takes a second glance before it is readily apparent.
Anyway, I apologize for this rather extensive rant and please note that I'm no exception to this rule. Below I've posted a poem by Derrick Brown and though it wasn't written for the meaning that I assign to it, this particular piece has come to have spiritual significance to me.
To embracing change,
Lauren
Anyway, I apologize for this rather extensive rant and please note that I'm no exception to this rule. Below I've posted a poem by Derrick Brown and though it wasn't written for the meaning that I assign to it, this particular piece has come to have spiritual significance to me.
To embracing change,
Lauren
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