As often happens, I sat down to write this blog post with one thing in mind, only to have the Lord take me in a different direction entirely. Yesterday morning as I was brewing some coffee, Pax was sitting in his highchair with his breakfast cut into neat little pieces for him and suddenly I look over to see him shaking his head and saying to himself "No, no, no, no". I chuckled to myself because I knew exactly what was about to go down. No matter how hard we try (and this really has been a group effort) to teach him to say that he's finished when he doesn't want to eat anymore instead of picking up all of his remaining food and throwing it (last night this was particularly fun - at a restaurant - with yogurt). He was trying so hard to talk himself out of throwing his food but about thirty seconds later I saw that glimmer of helplessness in his eyes as he scooped up all of his food and chunked it across the kitchen while letting out a squeal of excitement. I often have to leave the room to avoid laughing at just how naughty yet equally charming that little boy can be. The older he gets, the more and more I see myself in him. I love his fiery spirit and his inclination to do the opposite of what he's told. While he tests my patience on a more-than-daily basis, I can deeply appreciate all that his character reveals to me about our Creator. Nothing displays the grace, humor, and even mystery of the Lord more than children.
On a separate note, I've been thinking a lot about character traits because of a pretty lengthy self-assessment assignment for one of my courses. I was somewhat disheartened to find out that I am much quicker to identify my weaknesses than my strengths. While humility is certainly desirable, I think I sometimes tend to interchange that concept for "verging on self-loathing". As I open my heart to allow the Lord to replace Satan's lies with His truths, I've discovered something that I'd for whatever reason never considered before: He uses our weaknesses for His glory. It says in 2 Corinthians 12:9&10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
There are times in which I just can't even wrap my mind around how sweet God's love is for His children. This brings me to another truth that I so often need reminding of: He is still jealous for me. And by that token, He is still jealous for you. Say it. Say it aloud. Whenever I need affirmation or refreshment in my faith, I say this to myself. There is nothing more powerful than God's pursuit of His children.
Though there are many other things on my heart right now that I'm excited to share about, they'll have to wait for future blog posts. I'd forgotten about the balance between mothering-spirituality-relationships-studying-etc. that exists when school is in full swing.
To the promise of an abundant season,
- Lauren
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Into the Mystic
Beginning this post, I feel torn between guilt at not having updated in so long (thus spurring a desire to apologize) and a certain stubborn rebel force that wouldn't even hear of apologizing. Anticipating this about myself, knowing full well that 92% of the conflicts in my life are caused by my - as I graciously prefer to put it, ability to stick to my guns - I'll take responsibility for being a flaky blogger and insist that I'll make an effort to update more. There's a long litany of excuses that I could list off but mostly it comes down to a long season (or three of them) in which my inspiration and connection to anything within the creative realm seemed to have flown south for the winter (or west...). It seemed justifiable to skimp on writing for a while as I was diligent in corresponding with Sam via letters on a daily basis. But, on my drive back home after his very long-awaited arrival in Dallas, my mind was already frenzied with all sorts of new story ideas so I've been catching up for the past two months. No matter how hard I try to stay away from it, my writing roots always manage to creep back up on me.
Enough about that. In other news, Paxton is at my favorite stage ever. I say this about all of his stages (always carefully excluding 0-3 months though) but it's because they're all the best. Lately he's taken to imitating many of my behaviors - my personal favorite is when he grabs my phone and talks to himself on it, walking around the house and picking things up as he goes along, occasionally stopping to switch ears or readjust. Pax and I have too much fun together. While he's developing his imagination, I get to put mine back on. One of my favorite games is playing dress-up by cloaking myself in "adult parent" conversation. This is particularly amusing at the park (I also recommend the pediatrician's office or Super Targets everywhere) where there are no shortage of Gap clad parents who are panic stricken with thoughts of up-to-date shot records, developmental milestones, sharp objects, and any male creature standing within 100 yards of the given location's boundaries. Anyway, it's fun to make small talk and, only for a moment, to glimpse into what it must be like to be a parent "on their own terms". Paxton is pretty wild, so I doubt that even if I had this exact same child ten years from now that anything would really be "on my own terms" but sometimes talking to older parents feels like some sort of detective endeavor because their world is completely foreign to me. There's certainly nothing inherently wrong with having concerns for a child's well-being (and as a parent it's our job to protect them as best as possible) but I think a lot of parents today are over read on the subject child-rearing and all that comes with it. People have been having babies successfully since Adam and Eve, most of it seems pretty intuitive anyways. No, Timmy probably isn't going to contract rubella from being in the same room as Suzie two days ago who now has a funny looking mark on her arm. I really shouldn't act as though I don't have my bouts of anxiety...just ask me about the time I thought I had scabies. It was great that the house got such a thorough cleaning, I just wish I would've waited until after seeing the doctor to strip all the sheets that I had only washed the day prior.
As a society, we seem to be pretty fixated on the idea of fear. We eat it up. I'll be the first to admit, I was practically tailgating waiting for updates on the Casey Anthony trial. We watch scary movies. We pursue tragic news stories. We peruse WebMD for a diagnosis on our latest symptoms - I was really banking that those extra few pounds were hypothyroidism. Nope. Just cookies. Always cookies. Anyway, one of the biggest opportunities for fear to work its way into our lives is during the vulnerable years of early parenthood. I speak as though I've experienced late parenthood, obviously not the case, I would just imagine the earlier years to be slightly more impressionable. Fear presents itself in many forms: literal panic or fear, nightmares, phobias, the list goes on. One element of fear that many of us often fail to recognize is worry. It seems so innocent and justified (and practically a natural maternal instinct, no?) but at the core of it, it's still a unwillingness to trust that the Lord will ultimately provide for us and work in our best interest. I struggled a LOT with anxiety while Sam was away. He was injured about two months into training and so while bootcamp should've taken three months, it took six. We kept hearing one thing, only to have it be delayed or changed at a moment's notice (except we wouldn't find out until receiving a letter several days later). In the end, the journey took a turn that none of us expected, with him coming home and returning to civilian life. Though it was a whirlwind of an experience at the very least, having absolutely no control over the situation taught me a lot about waiting on the Lord's timing and accepting His divine plan for my life. The day that we found out he was injured, I had an extremely intense encounter with the Lord only hours before. Despite getting to be a part of one of those most amazing spiritual journey's of someone very dear to me, I had been extremely hesitant to initiate any sort of conversation with the Lord and weeks had gone by since I'd really talked to Him. I was working out when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the force of the Lord just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to leave the gym because I was so overcome by emotion - I got some interesting looks on the way out. The Lord kept asking me "Lauren, do you trust me? Do you trust me?" When God starts a conversation and He's got the whole world in his hands, it doesn't seem too wise to shrug it off so finally I started talking. I've never really felt interrupted by the Lord before (refreshing though) but he kept repeating "Lauren, haven't I ALWAYS provided for and taken care of you? Don't you know that I love you and will protect your family?" Five hours later I received a call from Sam's Mom saying that he had been injured and was being dropped to a medical platoon for an unspecified amount of time.
Now, I realize that was a lengthy anecdote, but it was a really defining moment in my ability to truly grasp that the Lord really does work in our best interest. I was crushed when I found out that it would be even longer before I was able to reunite with Sam (and there are certainly aspects of the past few months that I could've handled more graciously) but ultimately I have such a strong sense of faith and peace that the Lord worked with intention in allowing Sam to get pack palsy. Let me relate this all back to kids and germs and whatnot. Does He not love our children EVEN more than we do? Does He not delight in the sweetness of their actions and the innocence in their laugh? You bet He does. It's a daily struggle for me to say "Lord, have my worry today" and there are many days where I wrap the cord of my anxiety too tightly around myself to hand over to God but when I do allow him the ability to ease my burden, I'm never worse off for it. The Lord is so good to his people. Lately I've started being more intentional in the things that I pray for throughout the day: "Lord grant me the ability to just be in this moment with my sweet son." "Lord please give me the patience..." I've noticed that He always delivers the little things that I need to get through the day.
The more that I contemplate being intentional in my prayers with the Lord, the more I consider how that will impact my little sponge of a toddler. He's so curious about everything that I do that now seems like the time to begin setting the framework for a spiritually abundant life. All I know is that right now I have nothing but things to look forward to. I feel so revived for this upcoming season in life and cannot wait to spread that passion around. I love that my school is preparing me to defend social justice and is engaging me in a way that has me so excited to attend 8:30 classes. I love that Paxton greets me in the morning with "ticka ticka ticka" (He thinks that delivering tickles to those without is one of the most helpful things that he can do). I love that Madison and I made our annual watermelon sugar cookies (a longstanding summer tradition in the Kerner household). I love that I'm reading a book for enjoyment for the first time in far too long. I love that everyone has settled into new routines (and houses) and finally, I love that this summer weather will soon be cooling down a bit.
Alright, I think after an hour and a half of writing I have sufficiently made up for my absence. I like to include a word of scripture or something at the end of my posts as a sort of summary. Okay, that's pretty presumptuous to state that the bible is a summary of MY thoughts but it's late and it amuses me so I'm going to leave it. This passage is particularly meaningful to me because in one of my most anxious states, I flipped my bible open to this:
Matthew 6
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Spreading peace and refreshment,
- Lauren
Enough about that. In other news, Paxton is at my favorite stage ever. I say this about all of his stages (always carefully excluding 0-3 months though) but it's because they're all the best. Lately he's taken to imitating many of my behaviors - my personal favorite is when he grabs my phone and talks to himself on it, walking around the house and picking things up as he goes along, occasionally stopping to switch ears or readjust. Pax and I have too much fun together. While he's developing his imagination, I get to put mine back on. One of my favorite games is playing dress-up by cloaking myself in "adult parent" conversation. This is particularly amusing at the park (I also recommend the pediatrician's office or Super Targets everywhere) where there are no shortage of Gap clad parents who are panic stricken with thoughts of up-to-date shot records, developmental milestones, sharp objects, and any male creature standing within 100 yards of the given location's boundaries. Anyway, it's fun to make small talk and, only for a moment, to glimpse into what it must be like to be a parent "on their own terms". Paxton is pretty wild, so I doubt that even if I had this exact same child ten years from now that anything would really be "on my own terms" but sometimes talking to older parents feels like some sort of detective endeavor because their world is completely foreign to me. There's certainly nothing inherently wrong with having concerns for a child's well-being (and as a parent it's our job to protect them as best as possible) but I think a lot of parents today are over read on the subject child-rearing and all that comes with it. People have been having babies successfully since Adam and Eve, most of it seems pretty intuitive anyways. No, Timmy probably isn't going to contract rubella from being in the same room as Suzie two days ago who now has a funny looking mark on her arm. I really shouldn't act as though I don't have my bouts of anxiety...just ask me about the time I thought I had scabies. It was great that the house got such a thorough cleaning, I just wish I would've waited until after seeing the doctor to strip all the sheets that I had only washed the day prior.
As a society, we seem to be pretty fixated on the idea of fear. We eat it up. I'll be the first to admit, I was practically tailgating waiting for updates on the Casey Anthony trial. We watch scary movies. We pursue tragic news stories. We peruse WebMD for a diagnosis on our latest symptoms - I was really banking that those extra few pounds were hypothyroidism. Nope. Just cookies. Always cookies. Anyway, one of the biggest opportunities for fear to work its way into our lives is during the vulnerable years of early parenthood. I speak as though I've experienced late parenthood, obviously not the case, I would just imagine the earlier years to be slightly more impressionable. Fear presents itself in many forms: literal panic or fear, nightmares, phobias, the list goes on. One element of fear that many of us often fail to recognize is worry. It seems so innocent and justified (and practically a natural maternal instinct, no?) but at the core of it, it's still a unwillingness to trust that the Lord will ultimately provide for us and work in our best interest. I struggled a LOT with anxiety while Sam was away. He was injured about two months into training and so while bootcamp should've taken three months, it took six. We kept hearing one thing, only to have it be delayed or changed at a moment's notice (except we wouldn't find out until receiving a letter several days later). In the end, the journey took a turn that none of us expected, with him coming home and returning to civilian life. Though it was a whirlwind of an experience at the very least, having absolutely no control over the situation taught me a lot about waiting on the Lord's timing and accepting His divine plan for my life. The day that we found out he was injured, I had an extremely intense encounter with the Lord only hours before. Despite getting to be a part of one of those most amazing spiritual journey's of someone very dear to me, I had been extremely hesitant to initiate any sort of conversation with the Lord and weeks had gone by since I'd really talked to Him. I was working out when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the force of the Lord just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to leave the gym because I was so overcome by emotion - I got some interesting looks on the way out. The Lord kept asking me "Lauren, do you trust me? Do you trust me?" When God starts a conversation and He's got the whole world in his hands, it doesn't seem too wise to shrug it off so finally I started talking. I've never really felt interrupted by the Lord before (refreshing though) but he kept repeating "Lauren, haven't I ALWAYS provided for and taken care of you? Don't you know that I love you and will protect your family?" Five hours later I received a call from Sam's Mom saying that he had been injured and was being dropped to a medical platoon for an unspecified amount of time.
Now, I realize that was a lengthy anecdote, but it was a really defining moment in my ability to truly grasp that the Lord really does work in our best interest. I was crushed when I found out that it would be even longer before I was able to reunite with Sam (and there are certainly aspects of the past few months that I could've handled more graciously) but ultimately I have such a strong sense of faith and peace that the Lord worked with intention in allowing Sam to get pack palsy. Let me relate this all back to kids and germs and whatnot. Does He not love our children EVEN more than we do? Does He not delight in the sweetness of their actions and the innocence in their laugh? You bet He does. It's a daily struggle for me to say "Lord, have my worry today" and there are many days where I wrap the cord of my anxiety too tightly around myself to hand over to God but when I do allow him the ability to ease my burden, I'm never worse off for it. The Lord is so good to his people. Lately I've started being more intentional in the things that I pray for throughout the day: "Lord grant me the ability to just be in this moment with my sweet son." "Lord please give me the patience..." I've noticed that He always delivers the little things that I need to get through the day.
The more that I contemplate being intentional in my prayers with the Lord, the more I consider how that will impact my little sponge of a toddler. He's so curious about everything that I do that now seems like the time to begin setting the framework for a spiritually abundant life. All I know is that right now I have nothing but things to look forward to. I feel so revived for this upcoming season in life and cannot wait to spread that passion around. I love that my school is preparing me to defend social justice and is engaging me in a way that has me so excited to attend 8:30 classes. I love that Paxton greets me in the morning with "ticka ticka ticka" (He thinks that delivering tickles to those without is one of the most helpful things that he can do). I love that Madison and I made our annual watermelon sugar cookies (a longstanding summer tradition in the Kerner household). I love that I'm reading a book for enjoyment for the first time in far too long. I love that everyone has settled into new routines (and houses) and finally, I love that this summer weather will soon be cooling down a bit.
Alright, I think after an hour and a half of writing I have sufficiently made up for my absence. I like to include a word of scripture or something at the end of my posts as a sort of summary. Okay, that's pretty presumptuous to state that the bible is a summary of MY thoughts but it's late and it amuses me so I'm going to leave it. This passage is particularly meaningful to me because in one of my most anxious states, I flipped my bible open to this:
Matthew 6
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Spreading peace and refreshment,
- Lauren
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