This Story Simple Told, I Waited for the Lord and He Heard My Cry

(I began this post on Friday, only to make some modifications as the weekend unfolded)

"Friday" used to have an entirely different association in my mind. Pre-pregnancy, it represented an inkling of freedom in schedule, a glimpse of retreat before another monotonous five days of state-mandated education. Once my friends began leaving for their various collegiate destinations and I was left alone with a baby-to-be, community college classes that weren't particularly conducive with forming new friendships, a rather hostile working environment, and one very stressful decision to make, the weekend came to mean seemingly endless hours of isolation and anxiety. Thinking back to where I was a year ago evokes an array of unwelcome feelings. It seems more than surreal that I spent a year of my life without any close friends nearby. Loneliness has been one of my biggest struggles over the years and becoming a Mom provided no relief from this. While I have a precious son who will talk my ear off, the fact that we don't quite speak the same language often presents its difficulties. There are ample opportunities for lunch dates and daytime activities, but when it comes to the night, deviating from our bedtime routine is an unchartered territory that makes going out with a little one extremely unpredictable. I wish that I could say that since rethinking the way that I follow Christ that these burdens have become easier to bear, but they often represent a very real pain. Particularly as Pax gets closer and closer to turning one (and as the weather changes nostalgia seeps in), I've grown slightly weary of this routine. However, living in a missional community has certainly transformed the way that I perceive the lies that I tell myself as far as loneliness is concerned. I'm coming closer everyday to embracing what Single Motherhood means for my life and in many ways, I'm growing to deeply appreciate it.

Though lately certain resentments have begun to surface more so than they have in some time, I think I'm finally prepared to give them up. I wasted a considerable portion of the first six months of Paxton's life waiting for a phone call from someone that I once thought to be detrimental to Pax's well-being. That anxiety in me quickly transformed to anger and bitterness where it has resided in the shadows of my heart ever since. Much of it has been neatly tucked away, knowing that those who love and support me most do not benefit from my ranting. Furthermore, I often find myself giving into some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I let the lie that I will never compensate for certain choices in my past take control over my future. I've carried rejection from certain events in my veins for far too long. I will no longer be  defined by past mistakes. I am a new creation in Him. Goodbye bitterness. Goodbye shame. Goodbye disappointment. I hereby declare that I'm giving the Lord full reign over every burden that I'm so unwilling to let go of, the ones that I clutch so tightly in the secret. It's all Yours. And to whom it may concern: I release you and forgive you. I will daily, consciously make the choice not to carry around these negative feelings towards you. Though you will never understand how disrupting the dynamic of a family affects its members, it is now time for me to let go. You don't have the power any longer.

Last night at Corporate Worship (our church is formatted somewhat differently than the traditional setup, we meet as a body only once a month and the other three weeks we come together in smaller groups of people, called "house churches", each of which has a specific focus), our Pastor Ken was talking about what it means to be great in the eyes of the Lord. He referred to the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5) for this teaching and though I've read it so many times, I find a new meaning upon each reading. Ken preached on how we as Believers are called to greatness and how oftentimes when we finally resign ourselves to the Lord, hardships and temptations begin arising like never before. Oh man can I attest to this! As he went on, he reminded us that such is a mere test of faith and greatness can only be found by breaking through to the other side. He also reminded us that greatness is not negated by daily routine - and that monotony is not the equivalent of insignificance. I found this to be very comforting, as it is often difficult to see any real meaning in the trivialities of my day to day life. As I have mentioned before, I'm feeling more and more called to a mission and though I am not yet sure where I am needed, I am onboard and ready for a new adventure. For once I feel that everything is exactly as it should be.

I began this post full of doubt and hopelessness but have somewhere along the way gained an awesome sense of clarity. The Lord is faithful. He navigates for the lost and provides solace for the downtrodden.  While I can't promise that anything in life will be easy, I do know with certainty that there is rest for the weary. I was particularly encouraged by this passage in Matthew 5:


 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,^[a]
      for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
    ⁴ God blesses those who mourn,
      for they will be comforted.
    ⁵ God blesses those who are humble,
      for they will inherit the whole earth.


And to my dear Paxton:


I have been thinking especially of you. Children are the lifeforce that holds us together. God set the world down to create you and whispered His favor over your life. I hope that you never forget how deeply loved and embraced you are by those who surround you. Thank you for being my son. 

Insert Inspirational Title Here

It seems like an interesting time to be "inspired" to write (1:59 AM), particularly when I consider that I have a test tomorrow morning and oh, yeah, I have mono. But not for lack of effort, I can't seem to get the rest I so badly desire. I'll go ahead and use mono as my go-to excuse as to why I've gotten off to such a great start in the blogging world but in all reality mono is probably the perfect excuse to update. I just haven't quite gotten a feel as to what I hope to accomplish from starting this blog but I suppose the only true way to find out is through trial and error.

My son went to visit his grandparents this week so that I could get some much needed rest. Unfortunately for them, I'm pretty sure my rest is coming at the expense of theirs - one ear-infection and a few sleepless nights later. This week has been extremely eye-opening for me. Though I usually don't pay much mind to it, there is a tiny little voice in the back of my head that sometimes asks what would be if Paxton were not. Let me just lay it out there: I really don't like teenagers. We're a selfish selfish breed and experiencing what a "normal" existence might look like this week has more empty and unfulfilling than I could've imagined. Though I never considered myself a particularly maternal creature in the past, my Momma Bear instincts have had PLENTY of opportunities to develop in the past ten months. I can now say without the slightest doubt in my mind that I would not have things any other way. First of all, knowing that I have to fit certain tasks into strict time limits ensures that I am much more productive than I have displayed this week. Secondly, being able to pull the "Single Mom" card is so extremely helpful. This week I've just been another college kid in a town full of college kids. That lingering glance of pity, disdain, and reverence really comes in handy. I've learned that people are most vulnerable and generous when they are confused as to what they should make of you. Watching people calculate personal reservation, religion, and social standards into one equation is amusing to say the least. Thirdly, his smile and laugh nourish my soul. Fourthly, see number three.

Anyways, the point that I'm trying to make is that I miss my baby like crazy! In a strange way, this is actually quite relevant to the title of my blog. "He is jealous for me" is the first line of the song "How He Loves" which was originally composed by John McMillan and more recently performed and recorded by David Crowder. The song factor isn't really important (though it is a great song), the part that I'd like to further examine is the breakdown of those words. Jealousy is, if you are anything like me, not an concept that you're immune or stranger to. Coveting seems to have somewhat lost its "sin-factor" in today's society, and wanting what we can't have is, if not human nature, then an intrinsic ideal of the capitalist system. But what about being jealous for someone's attention? As silly as it may be, everytime I've heard Pax laughing while on the phone with my parents this week, it has evoked a certain tinge of jealousy in knowing that they get to spend precious time with him while I am miles away missing him. I'd never really experienced anything like this other than perhaps that "protective" envy that arises when significant others are involved. I started putting this in the context of the relationship that I have with God and "He is jealous for me" kept re-emerging. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I begin to grasp what that means. It means that He genuinely desires a relationship with me so badly that when I deviate from the path, it actually hurts him. (I was tempted to end that "revelation" with an exclamation point but for some reason it just didn't seem fitting.) The concept of our Heavenly Savior being jealous for my attention is another one of those mind-blowing ideas to me. I mean, I'm talking, the One who created the whole entire universe and everything that's in it is actually jealous for my time? That's pretty insane. (There's actually a really great song by Derek Webb called "Wedding Dress" that paints a beautiful picture of this) Yet, again and again I turn to alternative means, spiritually adulterous relationships and outlets to seek whatever it is I think I need to get by. Though I'll never truly be able to digest what that means, if it's anything close to what it feels like when a loved one betrays me, that's not exactly a feeling I'd like to revisit on a regular - if not practically constant - basis.

All this to say, I'm in continual awe of how awesome God truly is. Reading through Isaiah 1 has convicted me to begin accepting God's grace more fully. The progression of this chapter is truly fascinating. The first part of the chapter is spent blatantly condemning the people of Jerusalem for the unfaithful rebellion:

15 When you spread out your hands,

I will hide my eyes from you;
even though you make many prayers,

I will not listen;
your hands are full of blood.

While the second part of the chapter calls them to repent, God is almost attempting to "level" with them, to beg them to return to His arms for shelter and restoration.

18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord:
though your sins are like scarlet

they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,

they shall become like wool.

As we miss our loved ones when they are away, as we become uneasy and possessive in love, Yahweh misses us and approaches with righteous envy the idols that so often capture our attention and hearts. He is greedy for your attention and desperately wants to restore your heart so that you might experience the depth and richness of life in Him.

I'm not sure that my ability to articulate effectively is still working considering that it is three in the morning and I'm sure I will be a groaning mess in the morning, but for some reason I felt it necessary to share my thoughts!

This is the best version of Derek Webb's song that I could find. I don't know why people can't seem to resist the urge to create cheesy slideshows of strings of "touching" photos to songs...it just ends up feeling like I'm reading one long forwarded e-mail. Needless to say, I went with the live version.