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| Photo by Molly Shute |
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| Paxton after he decided to empty the trash for me |
My world functions between utter bliss and breakdown. In addition to being a single Mom, I'm also a full-time student at a large university. When I think about my son, an image of myself as a young girl flashes vividly in my mind. As a child I was extremely high-energy and whenever I felt too "still", I recall hastily leaping up from wherever I was at the time and literally jumping up and down to sort out the stillness (we called it my still dance). I'd get so agitated by it that I simply could not bear the notion of inactivity. In a similar way, when I think of Pax, I get so overwhelmed within myself that I feel as though I might burst from loving someone so deeply. In fact, as I meditate on it at this moment, it's taking all of my self-restraint not to charge through his door, snatch him up, and hug him tightly. I'll resist though, knowing that the outcome would be more than traumatizing for both of us (mind you, he gets to wake me up whenever he pleases). Anyways, this journey that the two of us have been on together has truly opened my eyes to the love that God has for me. Parenting allowed me to experience Him in a whole new way. My faulty image of God as Judgement and Punishment has finally been shattered and I am liberated. I now and forevermore grasp that I am a daughter of the King. Growing up in a Christian home, with "saved" friends and an opulent albeit cookie-cutter neighborhood that baked up a pretty little version of religiosity, I heard that line a million times. Of late though, being a daughter of the King seems like a pretty damn special thing. If He loves me even more than I love my son, I can't even imagine the abundance of His devotion and forgiveness. What's even more mind-blowingly awesome is that He allowed HIS son to die a brutal, humiliating, lonely death for MY sins. I seriously cannot fathom this. I think I need to do my still dance again...this makes me all sorts of itchy with excitement. This might all be basic theology but seriously, when does this kind of grace ever become any less radical and any less awe-inspiring?
You see, if Jesus is Lord, this changes everything. If we are sons and daughters of the King, then we're also brothers and sisters by association. Even though my sister and I often disagree on things, my relationship with her is one of my top priorities and I'd do anything for her. Now how about applying that thought to the rest of humanity? Woah. Today as I was heading to school when I heard the song "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. I'm not usually one for contemporary Christian music but listening to the lyrics of this song, I began to feel something starting to emerge from the bottom of my soul and before I knew it, Jesus was right there next to me. I'm not sure how most people experience the Son of God but for me he usually brings shivers of joy and a whole lot of tears. Today was no exception. (Yes, walking into a class of 150+ was indeed awkward.) I drove listening to these words:
In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry or always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket
shoes on my feet
In m own little world
Population me
I try to stay awake through the Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give ’til it hurts
and I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see
it’s easy to do when it’s population me...
And as he often does, I felt the Fisher of Men gently unhinging the clutches of my heart. I rested in the arms of my Savior as he told me that as always, he has everything perfectly mapped out for me. But this wasn't the message He was there to deliver. Instead He began describing to me stories of those who need Freedom, Rest, and Love. Though I cannot feasibly provide such on my own, He assured me that I am a vessel for Him and in order to fulfill this purpose, I've got to become more aware of what breaks His heart. This is one of the first times that I've felt truly called for a missional purpose and I cannot explain how thrilled I am! I'm not sure yet where this expedition will lead me but I invite you to join me for the ride.
To Planting the Seed,
Lauren
