Anyhow, as of late I've been meditating quite a bit on all of the feelings that are associated with parenting. In a way it's a constant grieving process of always looking back on where you just were while also trying to navigate through the next stage. In the past, I've viewed this as a negative thing but now I'm beginning to praise the Lord just for his provision of all these different experiences. I'm grateful that he so intricately designed us to sail through and enjoy the voyages of life. I don't know what His purpose for creating a lifespan is and I don't know why people have to die. I do, however, know that it's okay to be still and soak in the feelings that come with it all. I know that it's okay to have feelings about loss of control and major life changes. I know that grief has its place and that patience, peace, and grace were meant to be asked for (even pleaded and begged for) in abundance. And then sometimes we just have to jump through puddles and say "to hell with it".
The Lord created us to experience both times of mourning and times of joy. We exist in this epicurean society that wrongly suggests that pleasure ought to be our norm. In all reality, suffering often a more "noticeable" component of our existence. So what do we do with that? I'll get there, and without referring you to Job, I'll just go ahead and suggest that we start approaching it more honestly. Suffering isn't fun and there are plenty of times in our lives when it's simply unavoidable.
Well, a few days ago on a run, I had a pretty clear picture in my head of an egg. I wasn't really sure what it meant and so I began praying that the Lord reveal more of what He was giving me. When it came to me, I was almost unsure as to how I could feel about it because it seems so opposite of what I've always heard. Here it was: the Lord is the Great Heart Breaker. I've always seen Him as the great Lover, so to have this revealed to me was pretty fun. It's relates to the egg in that, once you crack an egg, it can be scrambled, fried, poached, hard boiled, etc, but it can never be the same. It's the same with heartbreak...once it's happened to you, you're never quite the same person you once were. This week God continued to reveal that not only does he want to break our hardened hearts, but that He wants to replace all the icky crap with everlasting joy. Two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I prayed that the Lord would do whatever it took to make me His. It might not have been totally what I had in mind, but I’ve never once regretted investing more in my relationship with Christ. That's really what it comes down to...for some reason we are so prone to dreading spending time in the word and in prayer but I can honestly say that I've never once wished that I hadn't done so. The additional beauty in all of this is that the Lord already knows our hearts and He doesn't hold it against us - so why not go for it?
For those of us who sometimes feel like screaming during the Christmas prayer,
- Lauren
