Wholly Yours, Holy One

(Yet AGAIN, I'm posting this several hours after I wrote this)

After two hours of arguing over the matter, Paxton is finally down for a nap! Yes, it’s too late for a nap and he probably won’t want to go to sleep on time tonight but I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Sometimes the little victories need to be celebrated in life. Also an accomplishment, I’m finally starting to feel really cozy here. This has various meanings, but right now it means burning a candle that smells like Christmas (yes, it’s premature) since there is simply no feasible way that we are going to have a tree this year while eating some delicious tomato basil soup. I’ve also been stocked up on eggnog for about two weeks now. The holidays never had too much significance in the past, but these days the concept of them has taken on a whole new meaning. It took a while before I was really able to fully feel like a family with Paxton, it was as if he was some sort of extension of what I consider to be my immediate family (Mom, Dad, and Madison). And while he certainly is that, he is also my “new” family. That might not make a whole lot of sense when put into words, but basically, for a good while I felt sort of awkward about being young and single, like I was somehow excluded from the “Mom’s club” or that he wasn’t entirely mine. I’ve encountered moms that are condescending because of my life stage, but I just remind myself that no one really knows what they’re doing when it comes to parenting. It’s something we figure out along the way. I am no less significant in Paxton’s life and no less of a parent because of my age.

Anyways, I think in general Moms are way too hard on themselves. I was reading an op-ed piece by feminist Erica Jong (find it here) she touches on the new fad of attachment parenting and what it means to be a mother in today’s world. She definitely makes some valid points as to how destructive it is to constantly rescue a child from making their own mistakes. Of course babies want to be held all the time, but when we give into their every desire, we’re not best preparing them for a world that is no stranger to rejection and hurt. I know that if Paxton does have a similar temperament as his mother, hovering is probably the most volatile thing that I could do. We can’t prevent their every misstep, and it really isn’t our responsibility to do so. Don’t misunderstand me, I’ll still be Mamma Bear, but I also know that it is a great disservice to Pax if I don’t encourage self-sufficiency and acceptance of responsibility when necessary. Jong raises important questions about the pressures that we as mothers feel but I don’t agree with her every opinion – she somewhat condemns cloth-diapering, baby wearing (it’s an odd term – the concept of having baby strapped to Mom/Dad as a way to increase bonding) and homemade baby food, all of which we do or did.

For us, the Green Movement is an important commitment that we’ve made, one that I really wish that more Christians would take initiative in. It isn’t always the most convenient solution but we were only given one Earth, and it isn’t someone else’s duty to take care of it. Everyone generates waste, and as technology brings us closer and closer to being able to reduce the negative impacts that we have on nature, I don’t think it’s ethical to try and pass that torch along to someone else. Moms are among the most wasteful of them all. Disposable diapers take up to 500 years to decompose in a landfill. In a baby’s first year alone they will go through an average of 2,788 diaper changes. So, as a response to Jong, I don’t feel that my involvement in the Green Movement is somehow disabling me as a woman nor trapping and oppressing me as a Mother. Ideals on parenting will always be at the forefront of society because humans are constantly breeding. Paxton and I are content doing things one way but I’m okay with the fact that our way wouldn’t work for a lot of others. Motherhood can be a time of great insecurity or an opportunity for uninhibited empowerment. As most things in life, it’s what you decide to make of it.

Woo, that was a much longer rant than I had intended on! Sometimes I just get too excited about certain subjects. Speaking of, one topic that I’m particularly fired up about right now is Sozo. Let me explain. It all started with Bethel church’s Sozo ministry. After hearing such great stories of restoration, my church decided to adopt it as well. “Sozo” in Greek means “to save, to heal, to deliver.” Basically, it’s an inner-healing ministry which seeks to identify anything that might be impeding one’s ability to connect with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This takes the form of a two-on-one session that pairs two intercessors with one person who is seeking restoration. The session is essentially a conversation with the Holy Spirit in which the person in question talks openly with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. It is typically led by questions from the intercessors, which help to pinpoint any broken aspects of these relationships. The Father is compared to our image or concept of our earthly father, Jesus to a sibling, and the Holy Spirit our Mother. It isn’t all solely based on these perceptions, but because there are often broken aspects of these relationships, they are important to consider. There were areas of conflict in my life that I wasn’t even aware existed and repair was quickly delivered. My experience was based heavily on images of holiday cheer that kept flashing through my mind. The Lord began to reveal to me that the sort of joy that is experienced during the Christmas season is obtainable all throughout the year, and what’s more is, I heard Him whispering to me that He desperately desires that constant joy and wholeness for me. The time spent allowed me to drive out many of the lies the enemy tells me that so often cloud my vision.

To continue sentiment of exuberance, a few days before my Sozo session, in the midst of a rather weary period, I finally decided that in an effort to eschew the negativity that was surrounding me, I would take the simple step of opening my curtains and let the light in. Upon doing so, I was flooded with this indescribable elation. I felt a maniacal sense of happiness and relief. It was as though I had taken a two-week vacation and was returning with a renewed sense of hope and optimism.

He is the Cleanser of spirits and Deliverer of Truth. He has spoken sweet words of encouragement and been faithful in the acknowledgment of my prayers. Holy Spirit, I am grateful for your presence. Thank you for pronouncing purpose over our lives.

To eternal Thanksgiving,

Lauren