This Story Simple Told, I Waited for the Lord and He Heard My Cry

(I began this post on Friday, only to make some modifications as the weekend unfolded)

"Friday" used to have an entirely different association in my mind. Pre-pregnancy, it represented an inkling of freedom in schedule, a glimpse of retreat before another monotonous five days of state-mandated education. Once my friends began leaving for their various collegiate destinations and I was left alone with a baby-to-be, community college classes that weren't particularly conducive with forming new friendships, a rather hostile working environment, and one very stressful decision to make, the weekend came to mean seemingly endless hours of isolation and anxiety. Thinking back to where I was a year ago evokes an array of unwelcome feelings. It seems more than surreal that I spent a year of my life without any close friends nearby. Loneliness has been one of my biggest struggles over the years and becoming a Mom provided no relief from this. While I have a precious son who will talk my ear off, the fact that we don't quite speak the same language often presents its difficulties. There are ample opportunities for lunch dates and daytime activities, but when it comes to the night, deviating from our bedtime routine is an unchartered territory that makes going out with a little one extremely unpredictable. I wish that I could say that since rethinking the way that I follow Christ that these burdens have become easier to bear, but they often represent a very real pain. Particularly as Pax gets closer and closer to turning one (and as the weather changes nostalgia seeps in), I've grown slightly weary of this routine. However, living in a missional community has certainly transformed the way that I perceive the lies that I tell myself as far as loneliness is concerned. I'm coming closer everyday to embracing what Single Motherhood means for my life and in many ways, I'm growing to deeply appreciate it.

Though lately certain resentments have begun to surface more so than they have in some time, I think I'm finally prepared to give them up. I wasted a considerable portion of the first six months of Paxton's life waiting for a phone call from someone that I once thought to be detrimental to Pax's well-being. That anxiety in me quickly transformed to anger and bitterness where it has resided in the shadows of my heart ever since. Much of it has been neatly tucked away, knowing that those who love and support me most do not benefit from my ranting. Furthermore, I often find myself giving into some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I let the lie that I will never compensate for certain choices in my past take control over my future. I've carried rejection from certain events in my veins for far too long. I will no longer be  defined by past mistakes. I am a new creation in Him. Goodbye bitterness. Goodbye shame. Goodbye disappointment. I hereby declare that I'm giving the Lord full reign over every burden that I'm so unwilling to let go of, the ones that I clutch so tightly in the secret. It's all Yours. And to whom it may concern: I release you and forgive you. I will daily, consciously make the choice not to carry around these negative feelings towards you. Though you will never understand how disrupting the dynamic of a family affects its members, it is now time for me to let go. You don't have the power any longer.

Last night at Corporate Worship (our church is formatted somewhat differently than the traditional setup, we meet as a body only once a month and the other three weeks we come together in smaller groups of people, called "house churches", each of which has a specific focus), our Pastor Ken was talking about what it means to be great in the eyes of the Lord. He referred to the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5) for this teaching and though I've read it so many times, I find a new meaning upon each reading. Ken preached on how we as Believers are called to greatness and how oftentimes when we finally resign ourselves to the Lord, hardships and temptations begin arising like never before. Oh man can I attest to this! As he went on, he reminded us that such is a mere test of faith and greatness can only be found by breaking through to the other side. He also reminded us that greatness is not negated by daily routine - and that monotony is not the equivalent of insignificance. I found this to be very comforting, as it is often difficult to see any real meaning in the trivialities of my day to day life. As I have mentioned before, I'm feeling more and more called to a mission and though I am not yet sure where I am needed, I am onboard and ready for a new adventure. For once I feel that everything is exactly as it should be.

I began this post full of doubt and hopelessness but have somewhere along the way gained an awesome sense of clarity. The Lord is faithful. He navigates for the lost and provides solace for the downtrodden.  While I can't promise that anything in life will be easy, I do know with certainty that there is rest for the weary. I was particularly encouraged by this passage in Matthew 5:


 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,^[a]
      for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
    ⁴ God blesses those who mourn,
      for they will be comforted.
    ⁵ God blesses those who are humble,
      for they will inherit the whole earth.


And to my dear Paxton:


I have been thinking especially of you. Children are the lifeforce that holds us together. God set the world down to create you and whispered His favor over your life. I hope that you never forget how deeply loved and embraced you are by those who surround you. Thank you for being my son.