Insert Inspirational Title Here

It seems like an interesting time to be "inspired" to write (1:59 AM), particularly when I consider that I have a test tomorrow morning and oh, yeah, I have mono. But not for lack of effort, I can't seem to get the rest I so badly desire. I'll go ahead and use mono as my go-to excuse as to why I've gotten off to such a great start in the blogging world but in all reality mono is probably the perfect excuse to update. I just haven't quite gotten a feel as to what I hope to accomplish from starting this blog but I suppose the only true way to find out is through trial and error.

My son went to visit his grandparents this week so that I could get some much needed rest. Unfortunately for them, I'm pretty sure my rest is coming at the expense of theirs - one ear-infection and a few sleepless nights later. This week has been extremely eye-opening for me. Though I usually don't pay much mind to it, there is a tiny little voice in the back of my head that sometimes asks what would be if Paxton were not. Let me just lay it out there: I really don't like teenagers. We're a selfish selfish breed and experiencing what a "normal" existence might look like this week has more empty and unfulfilling than I could've imagined. Though I never considered myself a particularly maternal creature in the past, my Momma Bear instincts have had PLENTY of opportunities to develop in the past ten months. I can now say without the slightest doubt in my mind that I would not have things any other way. First of all, knowing that I have to fit certain tasks into strict time limits ensures that I am much more productive than I have displayed this week. Secondly, being able to pull the "Single Mom" card is so extremely helpful. This week I've just been another college kid in a town full of college kids. That lingering glance of pity, disdain, and reverence really comes in handy. I've learned that people are most vulnerable and generous when they are confused as to what they should make of you. Watching people calculate personal reservation, religion, and social standards into one equation is amusing to say the least. Thirdly, his smile and laugh nourish my soul. Fourthly, see number three.

Anyways, the point that I'm trying to make is that I miss my baby like crazy! In a strange way, this is actually quite relevant to the title of my blog. "He is jealous for me" is the first line of the song "How He Loves" which was originally composed by John McMillan and more recently performed and recorded by David Crowder. The song factor isn't really important (though it is a great song), the part that I'd like to further examine is the breakdown of those words. Jealousy is, if you are anything like me, not an concept that you're immune or stranger to. Coveting seems to have somewhat lost its "sin-factor" in today's society, and wanting what we can't have is, if not human nature, then an intrinsic ideal of the capitalist system. But what about being jealous for someone's attention? As silly as it may be, everytime I've heard Pax laughing while on the phone with my parents this week, it has evoked a certain tinge of jealousy in knowing that they get to spend precious time with him while I am miles away missing him. I'd never really experienced anything like this other than perhaps that "protective" envy that arises when significant others are involved. I started putting this in the context of the relationship that I have with God and "He is jealous for me" kept re-emerging. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I begin to grasp what that means. It means that He genuinely desires a relationship with me so badly that when I deviate from the path, it actually hurts him. (I was tempted to end that "revelation" with an exclamation point but for some reason it just didn't seem fitting.) The concept of our Heavenly Savior being jealous for my attention is another one of those mind-blowing ideas to me. I mean, I'm talking, the One who created the whole entire universe and everything that's in it is actually jealous for my time? That's pretty insane. (There's actually a really great song by Derek Webb called "Wedding Dress" that paints a beautiful picture of this) Yet, again and again I turn to alternative means, spiritually adulterous relationships and outlets to seek whatever it is I think I need to get by. Though I'll never truly be able to digest what that means, if it's anything close to what it feels like when a loved one betrays me, that's not exactly a feeling I'd like to revisit on a regular - if not practically constant - basis.

All this to say, I'm in continual awe of how awesome God truly is. Reading through Isaiah 1 has convicted me to begin accepting God's grace more fully. The progression of this chapter is truly fascinating. The first part of the chapter is spent blatantly condemning the people of Jerusalem for the unfaithful rebellion:

15 When you spread out your hands,

I will hide my eyes from you;
even though you make many prayers,

I will not listen;
your hands are full of blood.

While the second part of the chapter calls them to repent, God is almost attempting to "level" with them, to beg them to return to His arms for shelter and restoration.

18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord:
though your sins are like scarlet

they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,

they shall become like wool.

As we miss our loved ones when they are away, as we become uneasy and possessive in love, Yahweh misses us and approaches with righteous envy the idols that so often capture our attention and hearts. He is greedy for your attention and desperately wants to restore your heart so that you might experience the depth and richness of life in Him.

I'm not sure that my ability to articulate effectively is still working considering that it is three in the morning and I'm sure I will be a groaning mess in the morning, but for some reason I felt it necessary to share my thoughts!

This is the best version of Derek Webb's song that I could find. I don't know why people can't seem to resist the urge to create cheesy slideshows of strings of "touching" photos to songs...it just ends up feeling like I'm reading one long forwarded e-mail. Needless to say, I went with the live version.